Nary an Original Thought

HT: The Constructive Curmudgeon

Dave Barry is funny. A few of my favorite excerpts from his 2008 Year in Review:

January: A mesmerizing speaker, Obama electrifies voters with his exciting new ideas for change, although people have trouble remembering exactly what these ideas were because they were so darned mesmerized. Some people become so excited that they actually pass out. These are members of the press corps.

April: Congress, responding to the financial pain of the American people, goes into partisan gridlock faster than ever before, with Republicans demanding that the oil companies immediately start drilling everywhere, including cemeteries, and Democrats calling for a massive effort to develop alternative energy sources such as wind, the sun, tides, comets, Al Gore and dragon breath, using technology expected to be perfected sometime this millennium. It soon becomes clear that Congress will not actually do anything, so Americans start buying less gasoline.

July: Barack Obama, having secured North and South America, flies to Germany without using an airplane and gives a major speech — speaking English and German simultaneously — to 200,000 mesmerized Germans, who immediately elect him chancellor, prompting France to surrender.

Meanwhile John McCain, at a strategy session at a golf resort, tells his top aides to prepare a list of potential running mates, stressing that he wants somebody ”who is completely, brutally honest.” Unfortunately, because of noise from a lawn mower, the aides think McCain said he wants somebody ”who has competed in a beauty contest.” This will lead to trouble down the road.

August: In yet another troubling economic indicator, Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac rob a liquor store.

September: The Republican convention gets off to a tentative start in St. Paul when President Bush and Vice President Cheney are unable to attend, partly because of Hurricane Gustav, and partly because the organizers told them that the convention was in Atlanta. The mood improves when Sarah Palin dazzles the delegates with her winning smile, detailed knowledge of what is on the teleprompter, and spot-on imitation of Tina Fey.

November: As it becomes increasingly clear that the federal government’s plan of giving hundreds of billions of dollars to dysfunctional companies has not fixed the problem, the government comes up with a bold new plan: give more hundreds of billions of dollars to dysfunctional companies. Soon the government is in a bailout frenzy, handing out money left and right, at one point accidentally giving $14 billion to a man delivering a Domino’s pizza to the Treasury building.

December: The CEOs of the Increasingly Small Three auto makers return to Washington to resume pleading for a bailout, this time telling Congress that if they can reach an agreement that day, they will throw in the undercoating, the satellite-radio package AND a set of floor mats. ”We’re actually LOSING MONEY on this deal!” they assure Congress. Finally they reach a $13.4 billion agreement under which the car companies will continue to provide jobs, medical insurance and pension benefits, but will cease producing actual cars. The agreement will be overseen by the federal government, using its legendary ability to keep things on budget.

In case you’re looking for some help with your New Year’s resolutions, Stuff Christians Like has a great list to get you started.

A couple of favorites:

• Win the “please turn to” Bible verse race every Sunday.
• Find more subtle ways to discover if I’m with a Christian that will also drink a glass of wine or a pint of beer.
• Crush all foes in the “VBS Decorating Wars.”

While they don’t exactly have an Edwardsian ring to them, they might make you chuckle a bit.

Behold! I present you with The Best Christmas Song Ever:

Mommy actually works at Home Depot, where she sells shovels. What were you thinking?

There’s an article over at Slashdot about the mysterious absence of acorns across the country this year. Nobody really knows what’s going on, but one commenter suggested that squirrels may have lost everything after having placed their acorn crop in highly leveraged investment vehicles. The Media have picked up on the story, noting the hardship the squirrel community is facing has led many to take second jobs. Some even believe that Congress will need to step in with a bailout package before the end of the year, before things get worse. Barney Frank has gone as far as suggesting that Congress set up a fund to finance the deployment of an army of blind sows, pointing out that they are known for their ability to find acorns every once in a while.

Japan zoo finds polar bears fail to mate as both are female

Yeah. That would be a problem.

HT: The Point

I’ve been seeing a lot of examples of this faux-miniaturization technique lately. Full-size scenes are processed with a tilt-shift effect, making them appear to be miniatures of the real thing. Pretty cool, if you ask me. Smashing Magazine has put together a list of 50 of these, and there are some real good ones on the list.

I had to finish up some work last night from home, and when I needed a break I fired up Fireworks and gave tilt-shifting a try, miniaturizing my alma mater. I’ve called it “Model University“. I’m not sure that I fully have the hang of it, but it was fun to make. I’ll probably try this out a few more times, until I get bored and move on to something else…

Apparently, nobody’s safe in the current credit crisis:

HT: Challies

From despair.com:

HT: The Point